Miggy (theemigs) wrote,

this is how its going to be..P1

Im back at work and Im enjoying it and school will be starting soon so Im a bit excited, but I still cannot run away from these feelings and its scaring me. Ive talked to my mom about what Im experiencing and she thinks it may be depression with a mixture of panic attack disorder and irritable bowel syndrome. Im scared as shit if this is the case. I dont know whats happening to me physically and mentally. I have all these hopes and dreams, ideas and fantasies, but I still lay in bed wondering if I will be able to pay my bills, if the truck I use will clunk...but most importantly I think so much about my future. Ive never had a positive outlook on myself. I may have goals and dreams, but I always counter the positivity with negative attributes. I think everything that happened to me in high school is also catching up to me. I was so depressed in high school...I literraly felt alone. True, I didnt like many of the people that attended SCHS, but the few I did choose to talk to never wanted to hang out outside of school. When we did travel in to places at school I was always the one by myself in the back of the vehicle. I told em I was ok, but really I was hurting inside...Why didnt anybody want to hang out with me or really talk to me? Im a nice person, Im very giving and Im very open, and Im extremely helpful. I can easily say in high school I was walked over. And dont even get me started on the sexuality. While I was proud of who I am, most people didnt actually appreciate my honesty. Yes, I was the fag in high school that was beat on and called names, but I went on with my day and just went home and cried myself to sleep. Theres just so much that has gone on in my life...not only just high school but the fact too is that Ive really never known a father...the one I was blessed with decided to leave when I was young and In ever heard back. And when I was young my mom left as well with her second husband leaving me with my grandparents. Well I still had an amazing family it just hurts to konw that the two most important parts of a persons family basically abandoned me. Me and my mom are cool now, but I still hold this deep in my heart...
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